so fret not, kiddos.
i am still alive.
considering moving my blog to another site.
maybe this time i’ll stop writing about all the shitfights in the social circle.

or maybe not!

- love flo.

i remember when i was younger i had a crush on him.
what girl didn’t?
my mother would always encourage me to find my prince.
i thought that shane was it.
clearly not.

speaking of shane…
he’s left town.
not a word though.
i know this because i went by his apartment to give back some dvds i had that belonged to him.
his apartment was empty.
his neighbor said that he’d left a few weeks ago.
didn’t say much, just left.
didn’t even leave an alterative address for his mail.

i called and texted his phone – straight to voicemail, and no respond.
oh well.
maybe damon’s my prince.

- love flo.

so i met him for coffee on sunday afternoon.
his busty girlfriend had gone back to her cave.
he wanted the chance to explain what happened with tatiana
i let him – but i didn’t really listen.
the fact that he was engaged to her but made no mention of it to me until the day after a night out with the girls and boys – well that was enough to make me want to kick him in the head.
i sipped on my hot chocolate and nodded here and there, making a small noise encouraging the idea that i actually gave a fuck.
probably wasn’t the best idea – it might have given him hope that i still cared.

did i?
no.
he really fucked up our relationship, he had fucked it up long before he came back to nyc.
the problem was, i just never knew about it.
and it just hurt that he was again trying to weave his way into my life like he did around this time last year.
i wasn’t going to let it happen again.

on the way home, i swung by layla’s apartment.
i’d received an sos text from her while i was with shane and saw it as my way out of the awkward and unnecessary conversation.
she opened the door and burst into tears.

flo: omg layla what’s wrong?
layla: florence i hate him! i hate him with everything in me.
flo: who?
layla: tommy.
flo: oh… what happened.
layla: oh you wouldn’t believe the effort he is going to, to make sure i am miserable.
flo: ok ok, from the start, what’s happened?

i sat her down on the sofa and handed her the box of tissues.
she wiped the tears away from her beautiful italian brown eyes.
i gave her a minute to gather her words.
of course, she sobbed inbetween each sentence making it difficult to understand what was wrong.

layla and tommy were engaged last year while she was in chicago.
she broke it off with him after finding her flatmate with her fiance.
since then she moved to new york city and had tried her hardest to move on.
she wanted to be rid of tommy, but given the circumstances – it was proving to be quite difficult.

she’d met 3 guys over that last 6 months, each one was somehow linked to tommy.
and each of these guys had basically stopped talking to her once they knew who she was.
the last guy she’d started seeing secretly even though he knew she was once engaged to tommy, but just a few hours ago he said that he couldn’t see her anymore because of his friend.

layla: tommy knows so many people in new york there is no way i’ll be able to hook up with anyone without tommy telling them to back off.
flo: wait, tommy told them that directly?
layla: yup. the first one – adam, he told him that i was pyscho and that he broke off the engagement because i was a real drama queen.
flo: whoa…
layla: and then the second one – steve, tommy told him that i was a serial cheater. steve wouldn’t even let me get the story straight!
flo: and the last one?
layla: oh, tommy was nicer to dave. he said “we were together, we were engaged, but you can do what you want. you know that you’re my mate right…” as if to say “you better fucking stay away from her!?”
flo: what the hell is tommy’s problem?
layla: i don’t fucking know. dave and i were secretly seeing each other, we just didn’t tell tommy or anyone really.
flo: so what happened then?
layla: he said tommy’s suspicious and out of respect for him, he can’t do it.
flo: aww layla!
layla: i hate my life!

she burst into tears again.
i felt so bad for her.
it didn’t feel like i had so much of an issue with shane after hearing her dilema.
i needed to take her out.
and i needed her to take time off too.
so i told her not to come in to work on monday, and have the day off to recoup.

i got home around dinner time and was hoping to have a quiet night in.
alas – madz and keeley were both over.
both had shocked looks on their faces.

madz & keeley: omg where have you been?
flo: hi guys! how are you? i’m good! it’s a nice surprise to see you both!
madz: hi, good thanks – we have a problem.
keeley: a huge one.
flo: can i get to the door first?

they both stepped aside and let me unlock the door.

what was all the commotion?

madz & keeley: louise is pregnant!

my jaw dropped.
i was in shock that lou, the total opposite of kandi, was turning into kandi.

flo: wha?
keeley: she’s preggers.
madz: fully knocked up.

then i froze.
but i’m pretty sure i was frozen anyway, so if i was – then i was frozen even more.

flo: who’s the father?

keeley and madz looked at each other, and then back at me.

flo: who the fuck is the father?

by this stage my face was burning.
burning from anger that there was a slight possibility that shane was the father.
but how was that possible.
they only slept together around christmas.
it’s now march.
the only way she’d be pregnant with his child is if they were still sleeping together.

madz: we don’t know who the father is, she didn’t say.
flo: when did you speak to her?
madz: we saw her today at the supermarket.
keeley: she wasn’t too thrilled.
flo: how far along is she?
keeley: a few weeks only.
flo: shane can’t be the father right?
madz: i don’t think so… they haven’t been together long.
flo: what?
madz: i mean, they…
flo: they’re dating? they’re actually together?
keeley: uh, i think she means, they only slept together that one time.
flo: don’t lie to me – are they together?
madz: she made it sound like they were but you can’t really take her word as gospel can you.
flo: i just saw shane before, he said there was nothing going on between them and it was just a one time thing.
keeley: then i think you have nothing to worry about.
flo: wait, i don’t care – i’m not with shane.
madz: you care.
flo: that’s not the point.
keeley: anyway – the actual problem is, she won’t say who the father is.
flo: how is that a problem? do we actually care?
madz: if it was shane, would you care?
flo: maybe…not.
keeley: the problem is, since christmas she’s been fucking a whole heap of guys in nyc.
flo: like who?
keeley: she slept with paul, and darcy.
flo: what???
madz: yup, some of darcy’s friends, and paul’s friends.
flo: and she’s still standing?
keeley: yeah i wondered that too.
flo: how do you feel about her and paul.
keeley: not as mad as i felt when kandi slept with paul.
flo: i don’t know to be honest, i think it’s all bullshit.
madz: did shane say anything when you saw him today?
flo: no. nothing about lou. he was babbling on about how sorry he was he didn’t say anything about his engagement to whatever her name was.
keeley: i am determined to find out who the poor sucker is.

i had to admit – i was curious.
but not curious enough to pick up the phone and ask.
in due time, i’m sure we’ll find out.

- love flo.

i know that you shouldn’t be living in the world of what ifs, but surely everyone wonders occasionally.

what if… shane and i gave our relationship a third go?
would we have lasted?
what if… we stayed together and i pushed damon away?
would damon have tried to get between us?
what if… shane was serious about getting married?
or would he have asked me to keep me and damon apart… again?
what if… damon never came back to new york?
would that be the end of us?
what if… damon and i had stayed friends the entire time?
would we have become more?

to be honest, i don’t know the answer to any of these questions.
i don’t think i want to.

i usually never have ‘what if’ moments, but ever since damon came back into the picture i’ve had plenty.
we talk about it every now and then.
it usually starts of with “do you remember when…”
and ends with “imagine if…”
and it’s usually a positive discussion.
i guess that’s healthy for a relationship.

i asked damon about his previous girlfriends.
he told me he dated one girl seriously, for 3 years.
about the same time dean and i were together.
we both had the same kind of relationship – blissful and easy.
until the other person had enough.

i guess that’s what made our relationship easier – being able to relate to each other on so many levels.

on another note…i’m looking forward to this weekend.
i’m going to be renovating my apartment.
the walls are getting painted, new furniture delivered over the weekend.
it’s all happening in one go.
so while the paint dries i’ll be over at damon’s place.
i think it’ll take about a week to fully dry.
once it’s all dried everyone will be back over to help move the new furniture in place.

i think it’s time i started off fresh.
new relationship, new surroundings and even new friends.
next… maybe a new job.

- love flo.

keeley: woo!
flo: what’s the big deal?
madz: it’s about time you and damon made it official.
flo: but why are we celebrating?
shanaynay & tahlula: we don’t need a reason.
keeley: exactly!
flo: did i miss someone’s birthday?
keeley: no. but you could say that this is the birth of flamon.
flo: the fact that you combined our names to make a nickname for our relationship, scares me.
madz: hahah that’s hilarious! anyway, next weekend – huge night out. girls only.
flo: i thought we’re celebrating the birth of flamon? wouldn’t we do a girls only night when someone becomes single?
shay (shanaynay): we celebrate anything and everything.
tay (tahlula): seriously who needs a reason to get drunk.
flo: that’s true – but i don’t see what the big deal is about… flamon.
keeley: look, we’re just happy to finally see you too hook up, as a couple.
madz: i think he suits you better than shane.
flo: they’re two completely different guys – no one is better than the other.
keeley: who’s better in bed?
flo: that’s none of your business.
shay: i reckon damon would be.
tay: no i think shane.
flo: what the hell? *laugh*
tay: i’ve never met shane, but if he can secretly deceive someone like that, he’s gotta be good in bed. you know – like the movies, mysterious but seductive.
flo:…
madz:…
keeley:…
shay: nah, definitely damon. those eyes, that face, that body.
flo: um… girls…
shay: i’m just saying! i’m not crushing on him or anything – i just take notice of them… working in the industry that tay and i do, you can’t avoid noticing!
tay: she’s right.
madz: i totally agree!
keeley: what the fuck?
flo: haha! ok this conversation is getting weird. fine fine, night out next weekend – not this one right?
keeley: correct. besides, it’d been ages since i’d gotten smashed.
madz: didn’t you get smashed just this past weekend?
keeley: oh yeah… but that doesn’t count. i only got smashed because i was upset we weren’t staying at the setai for the entire week.
flo: boo hoo.
keeley: shut up!
madz: so we all good for then?
flo: isn’t it early to be planning?
keeley: no – we just want to make sure you keep it free.
flo: ok ok!
shay: can we eat now?
tay: oh yes, i’m starving!
flo: let’s go then, why are we still here?

and that was the conversation that took place in the hallway of my apartment building last night.

i was taken aback by the comparison of damon and shane by the twins.
i found it odd, but at the same time humorous.
and i know what you’re thinking, but i’m not going to tell you who’s better in bed.

this weekend the 5 of us were heading out to breakfast before a massage and some shopping.
no doubt everyone was on the look out for a new outfit.
but why the fuck not – i was stoked to be celebrating… the birth of flamon.
that had to be the most horrid thing i’d heard come out of keeley’s mouth.

flamon…

god… my friends are weird!

- love flo.

friday afternoon, damon was in my office waiting for me to return from a meeting.
it was a nice surprise to see him.

damon: hello beautiful.
flo: damon.
damon: what? that’s it?
flo: well it sounds weird if i said “hello beautiful”
damon: i’ll settle for sexy.
flo: well the moment’s gone now.
damon: boo… so anyway what are you doing tonight?
flo: um, no plans so far, did you want to hang out?

it sounded so casual, and even though i wanted it to be more than just a casual thing, i wasn’t sure how to put it out there.
he took hold of my hands and kissed me.
it was the only time he’d kissed me in a non sexual way.
can you kiss someone in a non sexual way?
*shrug*

flo: what was that for?
damon: go out with me.
flo: i go out with you all the time.
damon: no, we hang out, we fuck, we hang out some more. go out on a date with me.
flo: a date?
damon: the kind of date we would have gone on, if we didn’t fall apart.
flo: i don’t know damon… i’m not sure if i’m ready to do dates.
damon: please? just one, and then you can decide if you’re not ready for anymore dates.
flo: and what will be doing on this date.
damon: we’ll do dinner, a movie and take a walk on the beach.
flo: it’s winter.
damon: ok, we’ll skip the beach and stay in. maybe some old school movies, we can do chick flicks if you like, anything, just one date.
flo: ok, one date.
damon: ok good, are you planning anything tomorrow?
flo: not from memory… is this going to be a long date?
damon: i can’t put a time frame but i just want to make sure you’re free so we can go with the flow.
flo: that sounds dangerous.
damon: i promise – it’ll be fun.

that evening damon picked me up and instead of taking me out to dinner, he drove back to his apartment.
there we were greeted by sam, a friend of his that had just finished culinary school was keen to show off his talent and had asked damon to be his first guest.
i was more than happy to try his 3 course menu of cherry tomato and water chestnut tartlets, grilled garlic and sage roasted chicken with blue cheese stuffed mushrooms and of course dessert – chocolate cheesecake truffles with malt chocolate ganache.
i had to say, i was in culinary heaven.

for the 3 hours while sam cooked, served and cleaned damon and i laughed and joked.
it was different than the other times we went out to dinner.
we had a good laugh, drank a few glasses of wine, sat out on the balcony after sam had left, talked about everything possible.
at one point i went quiet.

damon: what’s wrong?
flo: nothing.
damon: are you sure? you look upset.
flo: oh, no no. i promise. dinner was really beautiful – he’s a great cook.
damon: yeah he is. i should hire him as a fulltime chef – but then i’d never leave my apartment.
flo: thank you… for tonight.
damon: it’s not over yet.
flo: not over?
damon: we’re watching some movies – big night ahead!
flo: nothing scary i hope.
damon: of course not.

we’d gone back into the lounge and watched number of chick flicks – clueless, beaches and one of my favorites – little women.
we drank wine and snacked on the hors d’oeuvres sam left for us.
we both fell asleep on the couch together not long before 4am.
damon woke up first the next morning, and cooked a simple bacon and egg on toast breakfast.

damon: good morning
flo: hi.
damon: how did you sleep?
flo: surprisingly… very comfortably.
damon: i’m a pretty good pillow.
flo: you’re not too bad.
damon: please, i know you’d love to sleep with me every night.
flo: no comment!
damon: hehe. so are you ready for today?
flo: today?
damon: yeah, our date is still going!
flo: what? you mean there’s more?
damon: oh yeah… lots more.

i was a little worried to be honest.
but he assured me that there was nothing to be worried about.
he rushed dropped me off home to get changed before arriving back at my apartment with the most gorgeous labrador puppy.

damon: don’t worry, we’re not keeping him. we are going to take him for a walk in central park. since it’s winter it’s the closest we’ll get to a walk on the beach.

i had to admit – that was a pretty good idea.
but we didn’t end up staying in the park too long as it was rather cold.
we went back to damon’s apartment with the puppy and just watched more movies.
i was enjoying my time with him.

at lunch time i went home unaware that i was going out again.

damon: this time… it’s a real date.
flo: what makes this one a real date?
damon: you’ll see.

at 6.30pm damon knocked on the door.
i was nervous.
even though i’d seen him the night before and also during the day, i was still nervous.
he kissed me hello and handed me a rose.

flo: aww how sweet.
damon: you know me, i’m the romantic type.
flo: you’re full of shit too.

we laughed as we made our way downstairs to a waiting car.
no horse and carriages like i was imagining, no limos or hummers.
just a simple black mercedes, chauffeur driven of course.

we had dinner at “le bernardin restaurant” on west 51st and a few drinks before the car picked us up again for the ride home.
a simple dinner date ending with damon walking me up to my apartment.
i was going to do the next most predictable thing (which was to invite him in) but he said that he’ll give me the night/day off from him.
we stood at the door to say goodbye.

flo: thank you damon, i had a lot of fun the last few days.
damon: did you really?
flo: i did, did you?
damon: i was with you.
flo: that doesn’t answer the question.
damon: i always enjoy the time i spend with you.

he took my face in his hands and kissed me.
i was starting to fall in love with his kisses – not just lusting for them.

we pulled away and looked at each other.
he wrapped his arms around me to hug me as i buried my face in chest smelling “issey miyake l’eau d’issey” on his shirt.
i breathed in deeply, squeezing him tighter.
i didn’t want the night to end.
it wasn’t like he was leaving or anything (or at least i was hoping) but i just wanted him to stay.

damon: i…better go. i’ll call you?
flo: sure.
damon: goodnight florence.
flo: goodnight damon.

and just like in fairytales, prince charming left me with a single kiss.

ok maybe not but it was a nice thought.

on valentine’s morning there was a knock at my door.
it was damon.
he sounded… nervous or upset, i couldn’t tell.
i let him in and sat with him in the lounge.
he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close.

flo: what’s wrong?
damon: i’ve been thinking, nothing bad i swear.
flo: you look worried… or something.
damon: i wanted to ask you something the other night but i just had to think about it first.
flo: what is it?

he kissed me softly and whispered exactly what i was hoping for.

damon: be with me. be my girlfriend. be mine.

i felt like my heart stopped.
not in a bad way – but i was just… excited.

flo: can i be honest with you?
damon: oh no… you’re going to say no.

he suddenly looked really upset.

flo: no no, i want to be with you. more than anything. in fact, i’ve wanted to be more than just friends with you for a while now.
damon: why didn’t you say anything?
flo: you know me – old fashioned nature.
damon: so you make me do all the hard work.
flo: yes. that’s how it is.

and it was as simple as that – i was officially dating damon.

we spent all of valentine’s day together, our first day as a couple.
i teased him about being corny and asking me out on valentine’s day.
he blushed many times.
we had a late lunch at “le cirque restaurant” before heading off to watch “no strings attached” at the amc on west 42nd.
we just hung out.
this time, all strings attached.

i texted madz and keeley and told them the news.
it wasn’t like i was announcing my wedding but for me it was a big deal considering the shit damon and i went through.
and it was what i was hoping for.
exactly what i was hoping for.

- love flo.

so while at work today, i was on a call to madz and keeley, listening to them go on about their planned weekends away with their boys.
madz and angelo had arranged a weekend away at the the ritz-carlton in central park and keeley and charlie were off to the setai fifth avenue for the week.
i wasn’t jealous – but i did envy them.
it made me think of shane.
the movie, the dinner, the staying over.
i missed it.
i wanted it again – and i wanted it with damon.

i’m opening up a little here – lately i’ve been keeping my guard up.
i guess i just want to protect myself from getting hurt.
considering what had recently happen with shane could you blame me?

speaking of shane i saw him last night while out getting some groceries.
i guess i wasn’t going to be able to avoid him for long.
we both lived in the same area – i was bound to bump into him.

shane: hey.
flo: hi.
shane: how are you?
flo: fine thanks.
shane: look, i’m sorry.
flo: *shrug* oh well. it’s not like we were together.
shane: no but i was hoping we could work on that.
flo: no.
shane: i know i know. there’s no chance now. not even a little.
flo: that’s right.
shane: will you ever forgive me?
flo: i don’t need to forgive you, you’re your own person. you’re not my boyfriend or my husband – so you’re free to do what you want.
shane: i know what i want.
flo: what’s that?
shane; to be with you.
flo: not happening shane, not after you and lou. that’s as bad as the idea of you and kandi, and you know what kandi was like.
shane: i still love you and i really want to make it right.
flo: look we can’t discuss this here.

we paid for our things and both headed outside to the car park.
for the first time in a long time, i sat in his car listening to him explain why he slept with lou.
it was just the same sorry excuse of being blind drunk and feeling lonely.

shane: i’m sorry, i really am. i never meant for it to happen, it did and i would do anything to take it back.
flo: i don’t care. you lied. you’ve lied so much i don’t know what to believe. how do i know your name is really shane? how can i trust you?
shane: you can, just like i trust you.
flo: no.
shane: flo please.
flo: look just stop, stopping asking and begging for forgiveness. i don’t need to forgive you, i just want to forget about you. i don’t want you anymore.

he went quiet.
his eyes swelled up with tears.
it’d been the first time i’d seen him get teary since the day he broke up with me just after high school.

shane: can i ask you something?
flo: what?
shane: did anything happen with you and damon just before we officially broke up?
flo: yes.
shane: what?
flo: a kiss.
shane: why didn’t you tell me?
flo: oh because we’re all about honesty are we?
shane: we were dating.
flo: it doesn’t make the situation any more different to what you did when damon and i were best friends.
shane: that is totally different.
flo: yes it is – you lied and kept it from me for years.
shane: did you kiss him back?
flo: i don’t know.
shane: how can you not know?
flo: it just happened, i didn’t really react – or at least it didn’t feel like i was reacting in anyway.
shane: do you want to be with him?
flo: i don’t want to be with you.

he went quiet.
i went quiet.

was it harsh to come out and say that?
was it ok that i’d just made it seem like i did nothing wrong even though i shared a kiss with damon while still holding the title of shane’s girlfriend?

i didn’t care to be honest.
i’d given up caring when i found out he was responsible for breaking up my friendship with damon.

shane: i was going to ask you to marry me.
flo: what?
shane: i was planning to propose on your birthday.
flo: why are you telling me this?
shane: because i want you to know how much you mean to me.

i had no idea what to say.

shane: i’m just sorry for what i did. and i just hope that we can work it out someday and at least be friends.
flo: i don’t think i can do that. not after you and lou…*shudder*
shane: i know i know…

we sat in silence for a few minutes.

shane: are you sleeping with damon?

i looked at him.

flo: i’m pretty sure that’s none of your business.
shane: i’m just… curious to know where you stand with him and him with you.
flo: it’s got nothing to do with you.
shane: i’m sorry – like i said, i’m just curious.
flo: i’m not answering that. in fact, i have to go.

i got out of the car and took my shopping with me.
i hurried along in the direction of my house.

shane: florence wait…

i stopped.
i turned around and looked at him.

shane: i really am sorry.
flo: so am i.

i spent the rest of last night just thinking about shane and the conversation in the car.
it had me thinking.
would i have said yes if he had asked me to marry him?
did damon show up in the nick of time?
why did this all happen the way it did?
surely there was a reason.

i was starting to pick at my own brain and it was far too late to be doing that.

as i said, valentine’s day was around the corner.
wish me luck.

- love flo.

i’d caught the flu just after new years.
and have only just recovered from it.
just in time for madeline’s birthday.
we headed out this weekend for dinner at nobu before hitting up a the boom boom room for drinks.
and by a few drinks i mean a fuck load.

damon was running late from a previous engagement.
so he missed the dinner but met us at the club at about midnight.
he’d walked into flashing his gorgeous smile, waved and greeting a few people before spotting me at the bar.
he looked so fucking sexy, i wanted to jump him right there and then.
but don’t worry, i didn’t.
it was no secret that damon and i were hooking up – nothing official but i was hoping.

we spent most of the night there, drinking, dancing, drinking, talking (or yelling over the music) and more drinking.
by 5am we were all boozed out and ready to head home.
i asked damon to stay and keep me company.
he was more than happy to.
over the past couple of weeks he had been kind enough to visit me, look after me and ensure that i was recovering fast,
and that i was.

my feelings for him were definitely growing.
and after the shane and lou saga i wasn’t going to try and stop it.
he stayed over a few nights while i was sick, just to make sure that i was ok.
he cooked and cleaned – typical housewife type.
the more he was around, the more i wanted to be with him.

i just wasn’t sure if he was feeling the same.
we never discussed it, it was never slightly mentioned.
but i know eventually i will have to talk to him about it.

he came around last night for the superbowl.
the girls were meant to come over but both decided to stay home.
the weather lately had been the perfect weather to stay indoors and snuggle.
of course i didn’t have anyone to snuggle up to.
so i called damon.

it was a great game – the packers winning with aboslute ease and aaron rodgers taking mvp just like i’d hoped.
i wasn’t the biggest nfl fan but i didn’t mind a game or two.
damon loved it – just as much he loved seducing any woman he could.

he hadn’t been his usual flirty and womanising self.
there were so many times we’d gone out and he’d have girls either coming up to him or just giving that “i want you look.”
girls would flirt with him when he was at the bar buying drinks, at the counter making a purchase, they’d slip him their digits on a piece of paper or even drop something in front of him on purpose – of course he was a gentleman and would pick it up for them.
i know from history that he would jump at the opportunity to hook up with these girls – but since we started hanging out – he never seemed interested in them.
not i could tell.
maybe he was doing it behind my back – but we weren’t exclusive so it didn’t bother me.

ok maybe it did, but i can’t really tell him to stop.
well i could – but… i’m a little old fashioned.
i prefer the boy asking the girl out.
my mother used to always say “make the boy chase you.”
and so… here i am.
maybe i should get with the times though.

anyway – it’s well and truly past my bed time so i should probably go to bed.
it’s another jam packed week, so excuse my absence.
i’ll be on twitter tho.

don’t hate me too much.

- love flo.

lou and shane.
shane and lou.

a bit surreal.
but then again, lou is kandi’s twin.

it surprised me, but at the same time, i expected it.
maybe not with shane though.

she came around, to talk.
and as much as i would have liked to slam the door in her face, it was a new year and i thought – i’ll give her a chance to tell me her side of the story.

then again, what side is there?
his side or her side of the bed.

why did it happen?
they were drunk.
is that a good excuse?
no, but it’s the excuse.
i’ve heard that before.

shane called me.
he too wanted to explain.
but he chose to do it over the phone.
he apologized.
he too used the excuse that they were drunk.

i didn’t need to be told a second time.

my conclusion?

i don’t want anything to do with them.
ever.

can you blame me?

- love flo.

she never went to canada.
she was in nyc the entire time.

in fact, she had been doing temp work at the same company shane worked at since she left the company i was working out.
of course, she never told me.
and shane didn’t either.

was it a problem?
no.

however, at their work christmas party, apparently shane and lou got pretty drunk, shared a cab home and …
well, fill in the blank.
it’s pretty easy to guess.

not happy.
at all.

i knew something was up.
i just didn’t expect a text at 5am this morning saying:

“i fucked shane…”

no sorry?

fucking slut.

GRR!

- love flo.

we had a pretty cold christmas this year, like we usually do.
but alcohol did it’s job and kept us warm.
christmas with the family is always the best.
mom busting out the turkey, roast vegies, apple and cranberry sauce and a bucket load of brandy custard to go with the christmas pudding.
jared and i are no fans of fruit pudding so mom changes it either a sticky date or a chocolate mud pudding instead.
depends on her mood around that time.
this year she went for caramel fudge pudding instead.
fuck me, it was delish.

the girls and i drove to bristol on christmas eve morning and stayed until the day after christmas day. it wasn’t a long stay, but it was good to catch up with mom and kick back at home.
well, at mom’s.
we drove back in the morning and spent the day at my apartment relaxing and catching up on bff time before getting ready to head over to damon’s newly renovated apartment.

he had transformed an old 1950s style apartment into a modern, new age shack.
in fact, he had turned it into the kind of apartment i wanted.
stainless steel appliances and benchtops, funky looking furniture and abstract paintings hanging off the wall.
there were 2 bedrooms, 1 large and 1 medium, a small study room and a balcony with a killer view of central park.
it seriously paid to live on 5th avenue.
and unfortunately being on the same street as shane, meant that while hanging out with damon, i was bound to bump into him at some stage.

the housewarming party started at about 9pm that night, with the girls and i arriving in time for the first round of drinks.
by 3am i was absolutely smashed.
keeley and madz had taken over the main room, which had been turned into a dancefloor extending out onto the balcony.
damon’s neighbors had also joined in on the festivities.
i was assuming this was going to be repeated for nye’s and of course damon had read my mind.
it was settled.
instead of having the do at mine, we were going to have it at damon’s again.
which was fine by me, less cleaning up to do.

most of the guests had left but there were still a few of us that remained, sitting around eating leftover food, drinking left over alcohol, with both the tv and the stereo on.
it was the kind of scene out of a typical stoner movie.
but none of us were stoned.

by about lunch time everyone else had gone.
i stuck around to help clean up the mess before going home to shower.
later on that evening damon and i headed out for in and out before swinging by one of the local bars for a drink.
madz, keeley and charlie also came along.
by 11.30pm, and under our drunken state, we decided to hit a strip joint.
don’t ask, we just did.
and i had to say it was one of the best times i’ve had.

i can’t remember which one we ended up at but i do remember making friends with twin half casts.
shanaynay and tahlula jensen.
clearly these were not their real names, but they seemed to like it so we just called them that.
they were born and raised in nyc, their mother an immigrant from japan and their father a local african american.
their parents weren’t aware they stripped, but knew they participated in “pole dancing” sports.

while heavily drunk i invited them to the new years party, and of course damon wasn’t one to object.
it was proving to be an entertaining night, they promised not to strip as long as there was a pole.
keeley jumped at the idea and insisted that we hire one.
tahlula had offered to bring the poles they had in the apartment they shared.
so amongst the fits of giggles we agreed to let them bring their poles and both madz and keeley shot their hands up to give it a crack.

i wasn’t too sure what i was getting myself into but no doubt there will be incriminating images and videos to go with.

new year’s eve was an event never to forget.
shanaynay and tahlula were amazing on the poles.
madz and keeley were also up on the poles while i preferred to stay at ground level.
everyone was absolutely hammered.
angelo was back and was also getting heavy with the grog.
not a sober soul in sight.
charlie and darcy were playing beer pong.
no seriously, beer pong.
none of us had played that in so long.
none of us cared – we were way too drunk.

damon and i were out on the balcony at midnight, greeting passerbys and the neighbors who were also out on the balcony.
and of course, we shared a new years kiss.
what kind of new years would it be without smooching someone?
right?

the few days after new years, we all spent recovering from demolishing whatever was left of our liver from christmas.
damon and i were out and about in new york city, yesterday and we bumped into lou.
i didn’t even know she was back.

she didn’t stay long to chat, just a quick hug and handshake to wish us the new year.
she didn’t look too happy, and seemed to have lost a lot of color in her cheeks.
something was up.

once i got home, i called her.

flo: hey, is everything ok?
lou: yeah… i guess.
flo: what’s wrong? you seemed a little upset.
lou: i’m just… are you at home?
flo: yeah, come over if you want to talk.
lou: i don’t know if i should.
flo: ok something is up – what is it?

before she could answer the line cut out.
i was pretty sure that she hung up, because i know what it sounds like when the line just dies.
and it was more of a hang up click.

i texted her instead and asked her to call me, or come around if she wanted to talk.
she texted me back and said she was sorry, but she couldn’t talk.

i was confused.
but whatever.
i wasn’t going to put i effort if i wasn’t going to get any back.
what i was going to do though, was speak to damon, about us.

and hopefully by the end of the month, i’d have an idea of what was going to happen.

- love flo.

it’s always a burning question.
one that i try to avoid answering.
the same as “what do i want for my birthday.”
to be quite honest with you, i’ve never been one for presents.
but getting spoilt every now and then isn’t such a bad thing.

so when damon asked me what i wanted for christmas this year, i kind of went blank.
it’d been years since we bought each other presents for holidays and birthdays, and whenever we did get each other gifts, it was always something tacky and humorous.
something that only the two of us understood.

secretly in my head, i wanted him for christmas.
yes i came to the conclusion that i wanted to give it a go, but i just wasn’t too sure on how to tell him that.
i was pretty sure he knew.
it was still too soon after shane and i broke up.
and like i said, i didn’t want it to be a rebound type of relationship.
even though we’ve been through it before, i didn’t want to do it again.
i was burnt pretty badly when he left nyc that time, and i just wanted to avoid going through the same shit.

so instead, i decided that i’d play it cool.
maybe by new years, it’ll be different.

i wasn’t too sure if he wanted it though, even though he said he was “still in love” with me, i just wasn’t sure.
i mean, there were no signs to say he wasn’t intereted.
i’m pretty sure all signs pointed to “interested.”
but i just wasn’t sure if he wanted the same thing as i did.
i was hopeful, but i just wasn’t sure if it was the right time.

last weekend i went shopping with madz and keeley.
it was becoming difficult to buy gifts for them considering they had everything they wanted.
and so did i.
materlisitically that is.

for mom i bought her a trip to los angeles for a week to spend time with her siblings.
for jared i bought him a guitar, one he’d been eyeing for the last year.
for damon… well i still hadn’t bought him anything.
i was considering getting something for his apartment.
we’d been furniture shoppinga couple of weekends ago but hadn’t decided on anything.
so we decided that we’ll park it til we found something awesome.

lou was back in canada until the end of jan.
damon was leaving tomorrow to spend christmas with his family.
i was surely going to miss him, but it wouldn’t be too long til his party.

it was going to be a quite few days, but i was going to enjoy it before all the partying begins.

sleep calls.

- love flo.

god i love halloween parties.
the party was held at keeley’s place this year.
their place had been fully decorated in all things halloween related.
there were ghosts hanging from the walls, witches on brooms hanging from the ceiling, pumpkins and gravestones in the corners of the rooms and in the backyard.
they’d pretty much gone all out for the party.

none of us were working the following day so we were all ready to get smashed off out tits.
the usual group was there: keeley, charlie, madz, angelo, lina, jared, darcy and his new girlfriend, damon and myself, and then there were some other friends madz worked with and hung out with.
all up, about 30ish people came for a good feed and alot of grog.
no kids came by the place which was great since madz, damon and i had demolished all the sweets.

shane came past.
keeley had originally invited him, forgotten about it and then realised but it was too late to uninvite him.
he didn’t stay long though, he talked to darcy and his gf, to charlie, to keeley, to madz, but completely avoided me.

i guess in a way it was a good thing, but it felt really awkward.
we had officially broken up and both of us weren’t really on speaking terms.
he left after an hour, without speaking a word to me.

keeley: he really misses you.
flo: oh well.
madz: are you going to talk to him again?
flo: hmm, maybe one day. just not now.
keeley: how’s things with damon?
flo: really good.
keeley: good.
madz: hold on, are you guys together now?
flo: no, just hanging out like old times.
madz: hmm… i don’t know… damon’s always been… and don’t get offended…
flo: a slut?
madz: well not the word i was looking for but yes, a slut if you may.
flo: i know, i know. and trust me i’m being careful. there’s been nothing sexual between us. he’s kissed me once, that’s it.
keeley: he what?
madz: yeah, damon kissed her.
keeley: why didn’t i know about this? or did i?
flo: yes i told you.
keeley: was i drunk?
flo: hmm… not sure.
keeley: oh well – hook up with him.
madz: she’s grieving.
keeley: what the fuck do you mean she’s grieving? grieving why? because of shane?
flo: i’m not grieving, chill the fuck out. i’m just having fun, nothing sexual, just two friends. for fucks sake, don’t you remember what that used to be like?
keeley: not really, i had girlfriends, not guyfriends. i left that in your inbox.
madz: same here.
flo: ugh, anyway. i need another drink.

we headed back to the bar set up in the backyard.
damon was there, talking to charlie and darcy.

we drank into the wee hours of the morning, never to speak of the topic about damon and i hanging out.
i needed to figure out what i wanted and what i was doing.
but it was too early to think about it.

the next few weeks in preparation for my birthday, not much happened.
there were no nights outs, just the occasional dinner and wine or lunch date with the girls, a little shopping here and there.
i didn’t see much of damon as he was working and busy trying to get his place organized.
the renovations of the kitchen almost turned into renovating of the entire apartment.
so his housewarming party was looking to be somewhere in december.
possibly around christmas or new years.
but i guess that wasn’t much of a loss – more reason to get slushed.

on the morning of my birthday, 3 bunches of flowers arrived for me.
2 dozen red long stem roses from damon.
a dozen red long stem roses from shane.
a dozen red roses from dean.
each note was different.

• damon: happy birthday florence, i can’t wait to see you tonight. as friends of course. have a beautiful day, just as beautiful as you. xo damon.
• shane: happy birthday. i love you. – shane.
• dean: happy b’day flo. call me, we should catch up. xoxo dean.

the only person i called though, was damon.
to thank him of course.
i didn’t want to speak to shane or dean.
i was still too angry with shane and i just wanted to avoid dean at all costs.
i know it was rude, but can you blame me?

while at a morning meeting with cal, i was surprised with a cupcake tower, flowers and a bottle of champagne by my collagues.
i was touched.
cal offered me the friday off also as a little extra, which i was more than happy to take.
keeley and madz surprised me for lunch, by showing up in my office right after my meeting with another bunch of flowers.

after our girls only birthday lunch i headed back to work to attend 2 more meetings and finish off a couple of reports.
i was looking forward to that evening.
damon and i were off to nobu for dinner.
it wasn’t a date.
it was just a birthday dinner.
i had also planned birthday drinks on the friday night.
which i was also looking forward to.

that night, i was at home getting ready when shane showed up at my door.
another bunch of roses in hand and a tiffany & co box, he greeted me happy birthday.
i was a little shocked to see him to be honest, but deep down i missed him.

shane: how have you been?
flo: good, thanks for the flowers…both of them.
shane: i’m sorry i’m here unexpectedly, i won’t keep you too long. are you heading out?
flo: clearly.
shane: flo, i’m really sorry, i really want us to work things out.
flo: hmm… not really on my agenda.
shane: please, give me a chance?
flo: look, i don’t want your gifts, i don’t really want to speak to you at the moment.
shane: please keep them. it’s your birthday. i bought them as a gift. not to try and buy you back, but because i do love you and i miss you and i just want you to be happy.

i couldn’t say no.

it was tiffany for crying out loud.

he left without much of another word.
it was literally killing me inside to see him this way.
but he deserved it.
i’m sorry.
well i’m not, but you know what i mean.

inside the tiffany box was an 18ct white gold “Frank Gehry® Torque pendant” necklace.
i was speechless.

it was beautiful.
and here i was being an ungrateful bitch to him.
but i was still hurt.
i put the box away in my bedroom and continued to get ready.

at about 6.30pm damon knocked on the door.
i don’t think i’ve ever seen damon in a suit.
but then again, it wasn’t a full suit he was wearing.
he wore suit pants, a gorgeous pale teal shirt that almost matched the color of his eyes and hung his jacket over his arm.
a couple of weeks back we had gone shopping and i had coincidently bought a teal pleat front surplice dress (shown below) from forever21, one of my favorite places to shop.

i paired them with a pair of manolo blaniks which i also bought the same day, just for this occasion.
i still assure you, it was not a date.
after dinner at nobu on west 57th we jumped into a cab and headed to the “Bar Pleiades” on east 76th for a couple of drinks.
not too many though as i wanted to save it for the following night.
but of course that didn’t quite go to plan and the two of us were pretty smashed by the time we got back to my apartment.
and of course, considering the state we were both in, it’s not like “nothing” happened.
yes… we ended up doing you know what.

now i have to be honest, i loved every minute of it.
i’m not going to go into detail because that’s really none of your business, but it felt like old times when we had fun, and it was just no strings attached.
this was technically still the same, but with just some loose threads.
and to be honest, i didn’t care.
it was my birthday and i’ll fuck whoever i want to.

the following morning, i woke to find damon cooking breakfast.
like shane, he was a great cook.
i sat at the kitchen bench and watched him whisk eggs, fry bacon, and toss pancakes.

damon: so…
flo:yes… so…
damon: was it as good for you as it was for me? *wink*
flo: i can’t say it totally sucked.

he smiled.
ever since he came back to nyc, i asked myself… why can’t i resist him?
and i still don’t have an answer.
looks wise if i had to choose between shane and damon, i’d be torn between the two.
but i’d probably end up picking damon.

damon: coffee? tea? juice?
flo: tea please.
damon: do you regret last night?
flo: no, do you?
damon: fuck no. but you don’t seem too happy about it.
flo: i was under the influence.
damon: you can’t use that as an excuse.
flo: it’s not an excuse… it’s the truth though.
damon: so what?

he put down the utensils and came around to where i was sitting.
he pulled me off the stool and kissed me.
instead of pulling away, i just kissed him back.
i couldn’t help it.
the previous night, i totally forgot about dean and shane, and all i could think about was how much i wanted… well i didn’t know what i wanted, but i knew it wasn’t dean or shane.

he carried on with cooking breakfast while i set up the dining table and checked on some emails and text messages.
by the time i finished, breakfast was ready and waiting.

later that day, after watching tv and some dvds, damon headed back to his place.
he was joining us later for drinks at the clubs but wanted to give me a little space.
right after he left, shane called.
he wanted to do dinner tonight.
i declined.
besides, i had plans to have dinner with the girls before heading out again.
he begged for me to see him, but again, i said no.
he needed to stop and just give me time to think.

i took a long bath before getting dressed in a taupe jeweled trim dress by forever21 also (shown below)

i wanted to wear the necklace shane gave me, but it didn’t feel right.
by time i was completely ready, the girls were just coming out of the lift.
we headed out to eat before meeting up with the boys.
we danced and drank the night away before everyone came back to my place for a mini after party.

by 8am the following morning, everyone had passed out except for me and damon.
we were out on the balcony having a smoke and just talking.

after a few hours we headed to bed.
by the time we woke up, everyone had left to shower and relax before another night out on the town.

lou and michelle also joined us on the saturday.
i lost count of how many drinks we all had, but i could honestly say, we literally cleaned out the bar.
the night ended at about 6am, with everyone going home.
damon took a cab back to mine with me, and decided that he’d go home also.
but instead, i asked him to stay the night.
it’s not like i had any plans the following day or anything else.
and i enjoyed his company.
“you mean you enjoy fucking him” i hear you say.

yes i do.
so what?
it was still my birthday.
so yes, i got birthday sex, all weekend.
be jealous.
i don’t care.
i’m technically single so i don’t have girlfriend responsibilities.

the following morning, i found damon out on the balcony, having a smoke while watching the traffic below.

flo: hey.
damon: good morning… or afternoon should i say?
flo: mmm

i wrapped my arms around him.
i didn’t want the weekend to end.
i was having too much fun.

damon: so how was your weekend?
flo: it was good.
damon: just good?
flo: it was really good?
damon: i bet it was.
flo: it was really fun. best birthday in a long time.
damon: it’s because of me isn’t it?
flo: it’s not always about you.
damon: pretty sure it is.

i was too tired to argue with him.
i had the best weekend.
and i was a little upset that monday was around the corner.
but i was glad i spent the entire weekend with him.
and of course with the girls.

the thursday afternoon following my birthday, damon and i drove to bristol to visit my mother for a thanksgiving.
jared and lina were there already cooking and setting the table as we arrived.
his family weren’t in bristol anymore but it was still a walk down memory lane.
we drove out to congamond lake on the border of massachusetts and connecticut.
it was the same beach we were at when he first kissed me.
we walked hand in hand discussing that summer.
we both shared fond memories of our childhood.
even if some of it was just a blur.
i’d missed the old damon.
it’d been years since we were that close.
and i was starting to reconsider… our friendship.
i didn’t want to rebound though – it just wasn’t me.

the last couple of weeks since my birthday have been quiet.
the girls have been busy with work, jared’s been busy moving to the city.
he’s staying with lina at the moment, and they’re both looking at renting an apartment together.
mom would be on her own, but she was happy to have her own space.
we were only a couple of hours away so it wasn’t such a bad thing.

damon was busy working as well, hurrying the renovation of his apartment.
he refused to let me see the work in progress but he wanted it to be completed before he invited people over.
his housewarming/christmas party was all set for the day after christmas.
the girls and i were all heading back to bristol to spend christmas day with our families,
charlie was also joining us as his family were overseas for the holidays.
damon and michelle were off to los angeles to see their family with damon returning on morning of his housewarming/christmas party..
michelle had decided to spend new years in los angeles.
angelo was heading back to italy the week before christmas and returning just in time for the new years bash at my place.

we were all looking forward to christmas and new years celebrations.
i was looking forward to all the sales that came after!

lou?
she’s been around.
i don’t mean like her sister but she’s been here and there.
she won’t be around for then next few weeks though, so she won’t be gracing us with her presence at the christmas and new years parties.
she’d been good lately though, no dramas.

so for christmas, that’s what i want.
no drama.

bring on 2011.

for now though, bring on brunch with damon.

- love flo.

what did happen you ask?
well.
about 2 hours after we arrived at the club, and after our fourth round of drinks, damon turned up.
since i was a little tipsy, there was no doubt a little flirty to go with it.
no hooking up, just the usual giggling and flirtious touching, ya know.
lou didn’t try and make a move – so i’m guessing she was just being a bitch when she suggested she go for damon.
although, after damon’s history, i thought she would be more his type.
no wait, that would be kandi.

anyway – getting side tracked…
so while damon and i were ‘canoodling’ (as keeley put it) the girls were having a drink and a
laugh with a few of his mates.
then, shane turned up.
he came over to say hi, but was visibly upset because of my ‘flirting’ with damon.
i say ‘flirting’ because i was drunkish, what do you expect?
he asked if he could buy me a drink.
it sounded like he was trying to pick me up.
since i didn’t need damon’s permission, i wondered off the bar with him.

as i sipped my cosmopolitan he asked how i was.
he also apologized for calling so many times.
and i just nodded.
in the midst of hearing his endless apologies, a tall gorgeous european girl called out to shane, approached him and pulled him to her.
she kissed him on the lips and then turned to me, held her hand out and introduced herself.
tatiana.
i shook her hand.
i said nothing.
i looked at shane.
slightly speechless i took a sip of my drip.
shane said nothing.
he looked down.
he looked guilty.
luckily for me damon had come over to the bar for another drink.
so after excusing myself, damon and i went back to where the girls were.
damon asked me if i was ok.
i think i was more in shock that this… titsiana girl helped herself to … well he wasn’t my boyfriend.
we didn’t officially break up – we just… stopped.

anyway, i said to damon i was fine.
i was fine.
i had a drink in my hand and my girlfriends near.
what more could i have asked for?

by the end of the night i was pretty smashed.
so damon took me home and well… stayed the night.
we stayed up sitting on my bed, talking while we sobered up.
i ended up falling asleep on him, my head against his shoulder, tivo still on.

the following morning, i woke up next to him awake and already making coffee.
it was almost a repeat of a the last time… though this time he stayed over instead of just showing up at my door.
we spent the morning talking about shane.
i didn’t know who titisiana was but she was getting on my nerves.
actually, i didn’t care for her.
i was more annoyed at shane.
he said nothing.
he did nothing.

while damon made breakfast, i jumped into the shower.
i was sure to lock the door so damon couldn’t just invite himself in.
as i got out, my phone rang.
it was shane.
he was downstairs.
he wanted to talk – to explain who titsiana was.
not that he needed to – it was obvious he had moved on.
but i said ok, and let him up.
i left the door open for him and returned to the kitchen.
he was surprised damon was there, cooking while i sat at the kitchen bench drinking coffee.

he was a little hesistant to say anything, so we went to the lounge room.
to be perfectly honest i wasn’t in the mood for his excuses or whatever.
but he felt the need to explain.

titsiana – yes yes her name was tatiana but seriously she had tits that would take your eyes out!
anyway, titisiana was his ex from greece.
not the one that was engaged to darcy.
no no.
shane was engaged to this one.
but they broke up just before he left for nyc.

so the story was, she made the trip to nyc to “hang out” with him, while her current boyfriend stayed in greece.
she’d invited herself to stay at his place and he couldn’t say no.
he didn’t have to say no anyway, it wasn’t like i was living with him.
but he knew she was coming, and didn’t say anything about it.
so that just added to the list of issues with him.
he was a liar, manipulator and just a jackass.

i wondered what would have happened if he and i were still together and she rocked up at his door step.
all hell would have broken loose is my guess.
i didn’t have the energy to argue or question him.
and to be honest i just didn’t care anymore.

damon called out to me – breakfast was ready.
i was famished, and that was shane’s queue to leave.
he came into the kitchen and said goodbye to damon.
damon offered to let him out – my guess was he had a few words to say to him.
there was no slamming of the door, and no loud booming arguments either.
so when damon returned to the kitchen, i was curious to know what had been said.

but he wouldn’t say.
he did reassure me though that he wasn’t an asshole or anything but that didn’t settle the thoughts in my head.

damon hung out with me for the rest of the day before he headed back to michelle’s.
he was off to pick up the keys to his “new” apartment which wasn’t too far from mines.
and he was pretty excited about it.
he was planning a house warming the following weekend and invited the girls and i around for lunch/drinks/dinner/whatever.

at about 5pm lou called and asked me if i was hungry and wanted to do dinner.
i didn’t have plans so i got ready and headed out to meet her around the corner.

it was a little strange to have a one on one with her, but after last night i had to admit, she wasn’t that bad of a companion.
we talked about kandi and the diary.
she apologized for being a bitch about it.
she had every right, but as i said before, i didn’t know that she had a thing for dean.
we talked about her, and why she went ape shit at me when she was working at the same place i was.
she said she never meant to cause shit for people, she was just trying to find her place here.
i said to her she just needed to be herself, and not kandi – always making trouble for herself and for others.
a few times she got teary, especially when we talked about kandi.
as much as i wanted to hate her, i couldn’t.
she wasn’t her sister.

i headed home a few hours later.
there was a note and a box at my door.
it wasn’t big, just a small one – about the size of a ring box.
the note was a simple “remember this?”
and inside the box was a necklace i had lost.
i had totally forgotten about it.

it was a gift from damon the first year we were friends.
it was silver with a pendant.
a letter.
f.
i lost it at the beach, the same day he kissed me.

i went inside and called damon.
for an hour we talked about that day.
i felt horrible though, for not being a little more considerate about his feelings then.
but what could i do?
i wasn’t sure how i felt back then.
and even to this day, i don’t know.

there’s just too much going on in my head.

the following day, madz, keeley and i caught up for brunch before hitting the markets downtown.
the three of us then went off for some beauty therapy including swedish massages, facials and scrubs.
after a relaxing day we went back to my apartment to sit back and watch some gossip girl.
yes we watch gossip girl, and it’d been a while since any of us had watched it.
so there was a bit to catch up on.

no calls or texts from shane.
a few texts from damon who was busy settling into his apartment.
he was living on his own in a 2 bedroom apartment which he bought a couple of years ago (this was news to me) but had leased out to people til he moved here.
it was kind of… scary to think that he knew where i was.
wait… that goes for shane too.

you know how people say “do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
well i suspect it was true for me.

even at work this week i felt like i was being watched.
i thought i saw shane and dean lurking around the corner whenever i was out for lunch.
but i was just seeing things.
or so i thought.

i did get a call from dean thought on wednesday.
he wanted to meet for a catch up.
i declined.
i didn’t want anything to do with him.
at all.
he called again on thursday, hopeful that i had changed my mind.
again, i declined.
shane called on friday morning and asked if i could do lunch.
i declined.
there was only one person i was willing to see and that was damon.

so on last friday night, we caught up.
we just hung out at his apartment.
we started planning his house warming.
nothing major, just a little get together at his place.
for the next few weekends, he wasn’t going to be able to do much.
there was some work to be done on the kitchen.
after the previous tennants left he decided that it was time for change.
so until the kitchen was done, there’d be no partying.

the weekend was also quiet.
in fact, the entire week has been.
damon and i have been catching up during the week for lunch or dinner.
the girls would come around for a coffee or a glass of wine.
no shane.
no dean.

lou was also about, with michelle.
lou had changed a lot and wasn’t so bad when she wasn’t too busy being a bitch.
she too had come around for lunch during the week – and i had to admit she was quite pleasant.

i also caught up with jared this past week.
jared hadn’t officially moved to the city, but was still planning on doing it.
i was going to lease my apartment to him, but … well you know what happened with shane.

speaking of shane… we officially broke up.
am i upset?
of course.
but i’ve been trying to keep my mind off it.
“by hanging out with damon?” you ask.
yes.
“isn’t that dangerous?” you are.
for who?
me?
no.
i don’t think so.
why?
“seems like you’re getting really close” you say.
that’s my business.
and so what if i am?
“a little too soon isn’t it?”
shut up.

i miss shane.
i still love him.
i just hate the fact he lied to me.
i hate the fact he literally caused damon and i to stop being friends in the first place.

anyway, i’m off for now.
damon and i are going shopping.
my birthday wasn’t too far away.
and i need to buy a new dress and a costume for the halloween party keeley was holding this weekend.
“dress shopping with damon?”
eh, it’s not like he hasn’t seen anything before.
totally safe.
i think.

- love flo.

i didn’t respond.
she took that as an invitation to be in my office at lunch time.

flo: what do you want?
lou: well you didn’t reply so i took that as a yes.
flo: usually when someone doesn’t respond, it means fuck off.
lou: aww don’t be so harsh – if i didn’t mention damon, you and him would have never gotten together again.
flo: we’re not together.
lou: but you’re not with shane.
flo: that’s none of your business.
lou: so it’s true! you and shane have broken up.

she jumped towards me and before i knew it, she squeezed me, hugging me, crushing my internal organs.

flo: lou – stop it.
lou: are you ok flo? is there anything i can do for you? do you want to grab a coffee.
flo: lou, i’m sick of you trying so hard to be my friend.
lou: that’s a very nasty thing to say.
flo: you’re a nasty piece of work.
lou: why do you hate me so much?
flo: have you looked in the mirror?
lou: i quite like how i look.

she flicked her hair and smiled.

flo: you sound like damon.

she smiled again.

lou: so you’ve been hanging out with him huh?
flo: why are you still here?
lou: i’m just curious. i mean he’s really hot – mind if i have a tap?
flo: go for your life!
lou: you’d get jealous.
flo: no, i wouldn’t.
lou: ok ok, i’m just kidding. look, i really am sorry for everything and i really do want us to be friends again.
flo: um… no.
lou: please flo. i was a total bitch to you after the diary fiasco, but i really just want to be friends again. i miss my sister and i wish i hadn’t been a total cow. please please please!
flo: oh my god, shut up! you’re such a headache.
lou: have drinks with me?
flo: i don’t want to.
lou: please.

she looked at me with pleading eyes.

flo: look, i don’t want problems, i have enough already. come out with me and the girls this friday night.
lou: you mean it?
flo: on one condition.
lou: what’s that?
flo: don’t piss me off.
lou: oh, i won’t i promise. do you really mean it?

i felt sorry for the girl.
she’d tried for months to be forgiven.
and as much as i hated her guts, i couldn’t help but think – maybe she just need friends.
even though she has a habit of driving them away, she just needed some help on how to maintain friendships.

lou: you won’t regret it.
flo: i’m starting to already.
lou: call me!

and with that, she left.
i called keeley and madz.
they were both happy to hear from me.
but they were both concerned that i was befriending lou.
i told them that i needed to shut her up somehow and this may be the only way to do it.
the three of us decided to meet for dinner before hand.
it’d been a while since it was just us 3 girls doing what we did best.
gas-bagging.

my fingers were crossed that there’d be no dramas.

- love flo.

she’d read my tweets about how depressing my situation with damon and shane was.
and invited me to open up.
so i did.
and in the midst of our conversation and my rambling on about how complicated my relationships were, she recommended a song:

jurassic 5 (ft. nelly furtardo) – thin line.

Yo, this is a lesson in friendship
The depths of a kinship
Where women and men begin with, and then slip
My pen drips as I scribble my thoughts
On thin strips of emotion
A fraction, seduction, attraction,
Eruption of passion corrupts it
Life lasting friendships involved
Would love to cross the line
But that’s why we built these walls

CHORUS (Akil)
We’ve been friends for a long time
A very close friend of mine
Love you like you was mine
But respect the thin line
Love you like you was mine
Think about you all the time
Very close friend of mine
But please respect the thin line

AKIL
Opposites attract
When the female and male come in contact
Sticky situation in fact
Trying not to let the feelings catch
But there’s a thin line between both of ya’ll
So you respect that
And entertain an idea but get brought
Back to reality
And could you really live with that
Decision, based on intuition
You love and keep it distant
Hug and kiss the friendship

MARC 7
An ongoing friendship
We was people to begin with
Disrespect was not intended
But your feelings sparked a sentence
Sometimes you’re too intense
In your quest to invent
The perfect man
Please understand my rhyme is your repent

CHORUS (Akil/Nelly) X2
SOUP
Too bad that we became friends first
And I’m not an expert on how relationships work
But, from the minute it was known
It changed the whole tone
The way we spoke on the phone
Yo, it was cool but I felt it wasn’t enough
And I was stuck when your moms would pick it up
Over you all my buddies would swoon
But I felt we were in tune
You let me up in your room (damn)
But to me girl you’re still off limits
No matter all the times that I hinted
Infatuation was authentic
But yo I just pretended
So I wouldn’t lose the friendship
Maybe I should spill all my guts
Or write a letter, then tear it up
Or do a song just to say what’s up
I want just a touch

CHORUS

NELLY
I can’t do this anymore
See my heart just falls out when you walk in the door
Friendship turned into love
On some weak tip
See I can’t comprehend even if I knew it
Can’t do justice with these things that I’m feeling
You’ve got someone else don’t want to be caught stealing
Hell, if she knew she would never leave us alone in the room

CHALI
Yo, this was a lesson in friendship
I stress in this sentence
Should women and men be friends first
And then slip
My pen drips as I scribble my thoughts on thin strips of devotion

AKIL
Opposites attract
And best friends make a perfect match
If you only knew that
Once you cross ain’t no turning back
The minute you let him in it and he hit that
That’s that

MARC 7
We was people to begin with
But you was too relentless
Jeopardizing kinship
Respect is intended
Resolve is my intent
While we’ve got an in
I’m trying to salvage a friendship

CHORUS

thanks for the song.
it’s definitely given me a new outlook on the whole situation.
i’m hoping though, that whatever i do… is the right thing to do.

- love flo.

shane wasn’t home which made it easier for me.
but he did show up just as i had finished packing.

shane: please don’t go florence.
flo: i have to.
shane: no you don’t.
flo: no, i do. i can’t be here.
shane: where are you going to go? to damon?
flo: that’s really none of your business is it?
shane: i love you and i don’t want you to leave. i’m sorry.
flo: i just can’t be here with you. not after you lied about everything.

he walked towards me and took hold of my hands.
he was mad at himself – i could see it in his eyes.

shane: can we at least talk about it?
flo: no, not right now. i need to go back to my place.
shane: please florence?

he paused.

shane: tell me something flo, do you love damon?
flo: i do. i always have, he may not have been around as much as he should have been, but i love him. he’s my best friend.
shane: i don’t mean like that. do you love him the way he loves you. the way i do?
flo: i can’t answer that.
shane: you can, you just choose not to.
flo: i never got a chance to know if i love him the way he says he loves me. you literally turned him against me. i can’t be with someone who does that, then lies about it and keeps it from me. we’re supposed to have an honest relationship.

this was big coming from me.
i hadn’t even told shane that damon kissed me.
i didn’t think it mattered anymore to be honest.
it’s not like he’d been honest to me.
but two wrongs didn’t make a right.

shane: please, flo. forgive me. i’m not perfect.
flo: i, thought you were.

his eyes started to fill with tears.
it was hurting him that i was leaving, but i had no choice.
he leaned forward til his forehead touched mine.
he closed his eyes and sighed.

shane: please don’t go.

tears started rolling down his cheeks.
i hated the site of seeing someone else cry.
i shook my head, biting my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears.
i turned away so he couldn’t see the tears forming.
he let go of my hands.

flo: i have to go. the moving truck will be here to collect my things.

i placed the last of my things by the door, picked up my bag and checked that i hadn’t forgotten anything.
shane stood by the door.
the only word that could describe the look on his face – guilt.

i told him that i’d call him when i was ready to talk again.
i left, what had been my set of keys, by the table near the door and left.

i didn’t look back.
i felt horrible.
i felt alone.

i’d gotten home not long after leaving shane’s apartment.
damon was at my door step.
he was starting to hang around like a bad smell.

damon: hello gorgeous.
flo: don’t you have anything else to do besides… be here?
damon: i thought you’d be happy to see me. i know i have a way of cheering you up.
flo: now is not a good time.
damon: oh… is everything ok?
flo: everything is hunky dory.
damon: why thank you, but my name is damon.

i couldn’t help but smile.
i had to hand it to him – he did have a way of cheering me up.
just by being his usual smart (and sexy) ass self.

damon: so… you going to let me in?
flo: do i have to?
damon: no, but i know you want to.
flo: if you behave, i’ll let you in. i could use the company.

he threw his hands up and gave me his best “i’m innocent” look.

damon: i always behave myself.

i shook my head an unlocked the door.

he asked why i was home early.
i asked why he was on my doorstep so early.
it wasn’t even 4pm and he was already here annoying me.
well maybe not annoying – but he was here.
he said that he’d heard from madz that i was moving my stuff out of shane’s.

flo: don’t you guys have anything better to discuss than my personal life?
damon: no – i told you, she’s my window to you.
flo: you don’t need to go through her, you can come directly to me and ask me.
damon: but you might not tell me, and i like knowing… everything.
flo: you’re very nosey.
damon: like i said florence, i lo…like you and i care about you.
flo: damon, alot has happened in the last… 3 days. i need room to breathe.

i didn’t want to tell him that i’d just practically broken up with shane.
it would only set an invitiation for him to… well i don’t know – it just wasn’t a good idea to say anything about it.

so instead, we sat on the couch and talked.
we had a lot of catching up to do, and even though i was still upset at him for just ditching me, i couldn’t help but be grateful he was around.
he was very coy about the women in his life, i was curious to know how he’d gone from being shy school boy to a completely confident man.
he was extremely confident for someone who’d never wanted to admit he liked a girl.

he told me how angry he was for what shane said to him.
and even though he knew he shouldn’t have believed him – he couldn’t help it.

for a while we sat in silence, i could feel his eyes on me.

flo: you hesitated before.
damon: about what?
flo: you said “like i said florence, i lo…like you, blah blah.” what were you really going to say.
damon: you know what i was going to say.
flo: what stopped you? i’m not saying i want you to say it, but i’m just curious.

i really was curious.
he wasn’t too shy a few days ago.
i wondered why he was now.

damon: i’m just… looking out for myself too. i’m just as human as the next person and i don’t want to get hurt. i know you wouldn’t intentionally – but it might happen.
flo: ok, that’s fair enough.
damon: but you know how i feel.
flo: why didn’t you tell me before? why didn’t you tell me that day on the beach? when you kissed me?
damon: i honestly don’t know. i just freaked out – you were my best friend and i was just really worried it would ruin our friendship. it almost did.
flo: it literally did.
damon: no shane ruined it.
flo: he just added fuel to the fire. but you didn’t tell me. then after you kissed me, you started acting different. it was like you didn’t want to be around me anymore.

he explained that he needed to stop being around me so much because he was still embarrassed, and he felt that if he was around me as often as he was, he wouldn’t be able to help himself feeling more than he already did.
he asked if i felt the same back then.
i said that i never really thought about it.
the idea had run through my mind a few times, but it was never set in my mind – that it would happen.
he smiled when i said that i did think about it.

i had to be careful with damon being here.
i’d literally had my heart ripped out of me – i needed time to heal.
damon being around wasn’t exactly a great risk, but it wasn’t healthy either.

when the moving guys came, he helped me bring the stuff in.
we forgot about dinner completely and decided to go out for a burger.
we walked the streets of nyc talking, just catching up and laughing about the good times.
we barely spoke about our middle past.
eventually we’d get to it, but we didn’t want to ruin the moment.

he came back upstairs to grab his jacket and his keys.
i waited at the door for him.
i leaned against the door frame and he searched for his keys.
he yelled out when he found them – as if he’d found lost treasure.
i laughed.
he stood infront of me and dug his hands deep in his pockets.

damon: are you going to be ok?
flo: yeah i’ll be fine.
damon: are you sure?
flo: yes. i am a big girl, i can look after myself.
damon: i mean i can stay… over… if you want.

i smiled.

flo: no. it’s fine.
damon: are you sure about that?

he was starting to push it.
but i knew he was just… being himself.

flo: yes, it’s fine.
damon: so when are we going to hang out again?
flo: i’ll call you.
damon: tomorrow?
flo: maybe.

i looked away.
it was so hard to look into his eyes sometimes, because they were so hypnotic.
he lifted my face up to meet his.
he kissed my forehead.
i remembered the days in school when he used to do that whenever i got angry at something.

damon: you’re still the same ,florence. don’t ever change. that’s why i fell in love with you so many years ago. that’s why i’m still in love with you.
flo: damon, please… don’t –
damon: don’t worry – i’m not going to kiss you. not tonight.

that wasn’t reassuring.
and it wasn’t that – i DID want him to kiss me.
i just didn’t want him to tell me he loved me – because it made the situation even more difficult to comprehend than it already was.

i wrapped my arms around him, hugged him tight, breathing in his scent.
with a smile, he left.

i’ve been sitting here since he left, thinking.
i wasn’t going to be able to avoid him, so i had to just accept he was sticking around.
i also had to accept that i couldn’t be greedy, and that i needed to figure out what i wanted.

i was hurt so badly by shane.
and i didn’t feel that i could forgive him.
not yet.
i couldn’t help but also feel bad that not even a day after moving out of shane’s apartment, i was back at mine, with damon (who was just keeping me company) and the urge to kiss him.
it wasn’t right, was it?
it was too early.
way too early for it.

tomorrow was a new day.
let’s hope it was better than today.

- love flo.

damon and i were really close friends.
i had 4 best friends.
keeley, madz and kandi – my best girlfriends.
and damon – my best guy friend.
you’ve always gotta have one best guy friend.

whenever i wasn’t with one of the girls, i’d be with damon.
damon used to get teased in school because he hung out with me – a girl.
it’s one of those stupid school things that everyone goes through.
i mean damon had other friends, but he seemed to enjoy being around me than them.

so for the couple of years we hung out – he never said anything about liking me.
so to be honest – i had no clue.
then one summer we were at the beach with the girls and a bunch of others from school, damon and i had gone to get icecream.
we were sitting on some rocks, talking about going back to school and all the stuff kids talked about back then.
he’d said something to me but i didn’t hear him properly so i turned to him and leaned towards him.
and he kissed me.

i’d quickly pulled back and just looked at him – surprised.
he turned away and said “Sorry, i leaned over too far”
i was still silent.
he went bright red.

he barely looked at me the rest of the afternoon.
he barely said a word to me.

from then on, our friendship was a little rocky.
he started hesitating whenever i asked if he wanted to hang out.
he’d never hesitated before.

then i met shane.
and from then on, it was even more rocky.
so rocky that he wouldn’t even call me or answer my calls.

i missed him.
but maybe he wasn’t missing me.

then came new york.
i bumped into him at starbucks.
he was gorgeous.
we met up for lunch, coffee, dinners.
we never spoke about high school though.
it bugged me, but i was enjoying having him around too much to care.
we got close and one night while out drinking… well, things happened.

it felt normal, real and like it was meant to be.
there were no strings attached.
i didn’t want to be tied down so it worked out fine for me.

for about 14 months, damon and i just had our fun.
it was our thing.
until one day, when we were watching a movie at my apartment, he’d said something to me.
i couldn’t hear him, and when i asked him what he had said, he went bright red again.
i couldn’t get it out of him.
a week later – he’d left.
without a word.

i never talked about him because… well, i didn’t feel that it was important.
i didn’t have a relationship with him, the way i did with dean and shane.
i never knew he wanted a relationship like i had with dean and shane.

and i’d lost my best friend, twice – so it was just a difficult subject to discuss.

shane was the kind of guy i wanted to marry.
but when he left, i could think about being in another relatioship.
so when damon came to nyc, i promised myself not to get attached.
and i didn’t.

and then after he left, i promised myself not to do that again.
but inbetween damon and dean were a few dates here and there – nothing stable.
then i met dean.
with damon the least of my worries, i concentrated on my relationship with dean.

i’d always missed damon.
as my friend.
so now that he was back – it was hard not to want to be with him.
as a friend.
and like i said to madz, it was so hard to not fall in love with him.

typical love story isn’t it?
girl and guy best friends, one will fall for the other.
one will make the move.
one will move away.
that’s just how the story goes.

so in short – i tried to forget about damon.
by not talking about him.
but it only worked for so long.

i hope that answers your question.

- love flo.

i was heartbroken that he wasn’t upfront with me.
the whole time he was in europe, i had blamed his mother.
and now i felt horrible.
i never spoke bad of her – just thoughts.
but the reason why he went to europe was because he was afraid he’d lose me to damon.
he felt threatened by my closeness with damon.
from day one – he felt that damon was competition.

shane: when you and i first started going out, damon and i had a run in at one of the first the pep rallies we went to.
flo: was this when i ran off to find keeley?
shane: yeah – he had seen me, came over and told me not to hurt you.
flo: aah, damon – always the confronting type… just not to me.
shane: i was annoyed by what he said.
flo: and what did you say to him?
shane: i… told him you didn’t want to see or speak to him anymore.
flo: SHANE!?!@!!
shane: i’m sorry – i wasn’t thinking when it happened.
flo: so you caused the whole thing.
shane: yes, and because of that i felt bad. i carried that guilt for the whole time we dated in high school. but by graduation i just couldn’t stand seeing you upset that damon didn’t want to speak to you. it was my fault.

my stomach started to tighten, my eyes started to swell with tears.
he literally told one of my closest friends, that i never wanted to see him – just for his benefit.
i felt cold.
i felt betrayed.
i felt heartbroken.
i felt lost for words.

without thinking, i slapped shane.
tears were flowing down my face, my breathing had become erratic.

flo: leave.
shane: florence, i’m sorry.
flo: just leave.
shane: please don’t be mad at me.
flo: how can i not? you lied to me, you lied to my best friend, just so you could have me all to yourself. you are just a liar.
shane: i was selfish and…
flo: and nothing. you’re selfish. that’s all. no wait, you’re a liar too.
shane: i came back for you.
flo: well i wish you hadn’t come back.

i ran to the bathroom and locked myself in.
after a minute i heard the door close.
i broke into tears again.
i cried for about 10 mins before i received a text message from shane.

“i’m sorry, please forgive me.”

i couldn’t forgive him.
not yet – but then again who knew when i was going to be able to.
i cried again.
they say it’s healthy to cry… right?

there was a knock at the door.
i got up, wiped my face clear of tears – although it was pretty obvious that i’d just bawled my eyes out.
the knock came again.

flo: who is it
voice: it’s keeley.

i opened the door.
she took one look at me and threw her arms around me.

keeley: oh flo, don’t cry!
flo: i fucking hate him.
keeley: who? damon?
flo: no shane.
keeley: what? what happened?

for the next half our, i explained everything that had happened.
even keeley got abit teary.

flo: did you know any of this?
keeley: no – nothing. madz never said anything to me. i hadn’t spoken to damon at all since you guys stopped hanging out. you know me – oblivious to everyone else’s business. that’s a bad thing though isn’t it?
flo: yes and no, but i’m glad in this instance you were oblivious.
keeley: what are you going to do?
flo: i don’t know. i’m going to move back here though – i don’t want to be around shane.
keeley: what about damon?
flo: you know – no matter how much i want to blame him for being involved, i can’t. it wasn’t his fault to begin with.
keeley: are you going to see him again?

to be honest i didn’t want to see anyone.

keeley left as she was going out for dinner with charlie that evening.
i felt that it was the perfect time to cry again.
i curled up on the couch and just sobbed myself to sleep.

half an hour later i woke up to the noise of pots and pans banging in my kitchen.
i’d gotten up to see what the ruckus was.
my expression dropped.

flo: you know, you need to learn to a, call in advance and b, knock. you haven’t quite mastered those skills.
damon: sorry – i didn’t want to wake you. and your brother let me in. he’s been trying to call you.
flo: what are you doing here?
damon: making you dinner.
flo: uh, no. i don’t want you to do that.
damon: it’s not about what you want.
flo: how did i know you’d say that.
damon: predictable aren’t i?
flo: hmm… um. you don’t have to cook.
damon: would you rather eat out?
flo: i’m not all that hungry.

he looked at me for a bit and then came up to me.
he took my face in his hands and looked at my eyes.

damon: you’ve been crying.
flo: it’s nothing.
damon: what happened?
flo: nothing – i swear.
damon: shane was here wasn’t he?
flo: yes, and nothing happened.
damon: florence, tell me. we used to be best friends.
flo: look, i tell you what. let me shower, get dressed and we’ll go out and eat.
damon: will you tell me what happened?
flo: maybe.

i turned around to walk towards the bathroom.
damon took hold of my hand and pulled him towards him again.
he leaned in to me and for a moment i thought he was going to kiss me.
but he didn’t.
he just looked at me with concerned eyes.

damon: a guy who makes you cry is never worth the tears to begin with.

i opened my mouth to say something.
but i couldn’t.
he was right.
and it was something my mother had said to me too.
no guy is ever worth tears.
none at all.
but that meant – shane, dean and even damon, weren’t worth it.

i had a quick shower to rid myself of the tear streaked ugliness.
i got dressed and went to the kitchen.
i still wasn’t feeling up for going out, but there wasn’t much i could do.
damon was persistant to make me eat.

so we headed downstairs to one of the local eateries and talked.
it felt strange confiding in him about shane, but at the same time – it felt like he never left.
what i couldn’t understand was the inbetween relationship we had.
it wasn’t like this, and it wasn’t like high school.
it was like… he’d was a different person in the middle.
the person he was nice, was the same as high school – but a little more cocky.
but the person a few years ago – was just a jerk.

it was too hard to put any blame on him.
because i know that what he did wasn’t selfish, what shane did was.
damon cared, but just had the oddest way of showing it.

after dinner, we headed back up to my apartment.
damon decided not to stay, and said he would call me the next day.
i felt a little relieved.
i was nervous about what would have happened if he had stayed longer.
but i needed time.
i needed to decide what i was going to do.

i called madz.
even though i was still mad at her, she was my best friend.
i asked her for a favor and she was more than happy to help.

tomorrow, i was moving back to my apartment.

- love flo.

• shane: call me.
• madz: call me.
• shane: where are you? i’m coming home early – we need to talk.
• madz: call me!!!
• shane: please florence, at least let me know where you are!
• shane: florence, i need to know you’re ok. i’m sorry for everything.
• shane: florence, i love you – please be ok.
• madz: call me please! i need to know you’re ok. you didn’t call me back yesterday.
• damon: you’re probably sleeping – but in case you wake up wondering how you got home… give me a call and i’ll explain.
• madz: i hope you’re ok! please call me when you wake up.
• shane: i heard from madz you were ok – please call me.
• shane: i love you florence, you know i do.

hmm… so where do i begin.
the events of last night were still a blur – but at least i knew how to find out how i got home.
i was praying that it wasn’t damon that found me.
but i was wrong.

i called him – just like he’d asked.
at the same time, there was a knock on the door.
so while i told damon to hold, i went to answer the door.
it was damon.

damon: hi.
flo: uh… hi.
damon: again, i’m sorry it’s a little short notice, but i just wanted to make sure you were ok.
flo: yeah i’m fine. why are you here?
damon: well… last night – someone had to get you home.
flo: no…

i knew it!

damon: i’m afraid so.
flo: how did you know where i was?
damon: layla called me from your phone – i thought it was a bit weird you calling me so late. lucky for you little lady, i was out and about.
flo: um… what?
damon: layla called, you were incredibly drunk and asked that i come and take advantage of you.
flo: that explains why i was totally naked this morning.
damon: oh – yeah about that…

i was too hung over at this stage to try and force him out.
besides i thought it was a nice and semi honest gesture that he’d come around to see if i was ok.
i was hoping shane was here instead – but given the circumstances i was more likely to rip his head off.
the question was – why wasn’t i wanting to do that to damon?

damon: i brought you some food, you need to eat.
flo: i need coffee.
damon: well how about you sit, i’ll make.
flo: thanks.
damon: this will cost you, you know.

he winked.
i wanted to poke him in the eye everytime he did that.
but i had to admit – he had gorgeous eyes that i found difficult to look away from since he’d turned up.

flo: so… what happened exactly last night?
damon: well – layla called, i came to your rescue, i picked you up, whisked you back here and you asked me to make sensual love to you.
flo: i hope you’re kidding.
damon: unfortunately i am about the love making… but, everything else is pretty true.
flo: why did layla ask you to come get me? why didn’t she call…
damon: shane? i don’t know to be honest. but you were absolutely hammered. like… the kind of hammered you and i used to get when… well you know.

oh yes, how could i forget.
he handed me some coffee and sat next to me on in the lounge.

damon: anyway, i came and took you home.
flo: what time?
damon: about 6am?
flo: where were you when layla called?
damon: i was having drinks.
flo: with a girl?
damon: would you be jealous if i said yes?
flo: no.
damon: then no.
flo: so you didn’t just come and get me because it an excuse to see me or possibly take advantage of me?
damon: no, i was really out – and layla sounded concerned. so i came.
flo: and the bed?
damon: yeah we were in it.
flo: we?
damon: nothing happened, relax. you were pretty slaughtered so i put you in bed and you asked me to just wait til you fell asleep.
flo: was i drunk or drugged?
damon: hmm… pretty sure it was just drunk. but don’t worry – i didn’t touch you inappropriately.

i found that incredibly hard to believe he wouldn’t touch me inappropriately – it was damon.
he would be the definition of all things inappropriate.

damon: i swear i didn’t try and take advantage of you, i just put you in bed, sat with you a while til you passed out and then left.
flo: and my clothes?
damon: you’d asked me to take them off.
flo: i was drunk!
damon: hey – i was only doing as i was told.
flo: what else did i ask you to do?
damon: nothing. honest. i had just tucked you in and you asked me to sit and wait, so i did.
flo: how embarrassing.
damon: you shouldn’t be embarrassed – nothing i haven’t seen.
flo: damon, you’re making the situation so much more awkward.
damon: i have seen every part of you remember? nothing new.
flo: even still – it’s just… weird talking about it.
damon: let’s talk about something else. so… about the other night…
flo: um… that was just…
damon: you can’t say it was wrong.
flo: i’m with shane, of course it was wrong.

i had tried to justify his reasoning for kissing me, and of course my reasons for kissing him back.
but i couldn’t find a single reason that made it ok.
it just wasn’t.

damon: well i’m not sorry for kissing you. i am sorry that you feel that it was wrong though.
flo: i’m still with shane. so it’s still wrong.
damon: where’s shane now then?
flo: he… i was going to call him.
damon: but you called me instead. what does that tell you?
flo: it tells me that you need to go now so i can shower and stuff.
damon: can i watch? or help?
flo: please let yourself out.

he smiled, took the coffee mug from me and went to the kitchen.
i felt comfortable with him there – he knew my apartment, he knew it like it was his own.
and it didn’t bother me.
same with shane.
though – i was a little more comfortable with shane walking in as he pleased.
and i was dreading the reaction he’d get if he did walk in while damon was in the kitchen and i was walking around the apartment in not much.

damon: call me later – we’ll… hang out.
flo: unlikely.
damon: you know you want to.
flo: bye damon!
damon: bye beautiful.

as he left, i turned and called out to him.
i hadn’t even really thanked him for looking out or after me last night.

flo: thank you – for last night.
damon: anytime.

his smile was sincere.
there was truth to it.
it wasn’t that womanizing smile he usually had.

i felt disgusting – not because of damon, but it was just… the hangover feeling.
i took a long hot shower, standing against the wall at one point just thinking.

this wasn’t fair to shane.
this wasn’t fair to damon.
i didn’t know what i was thinking or feeling.
damon was right though – in a way the kiss felt absolutely right.
and i was kicking myself for wanting it again.
but i was with shane – and i needed to sort shit out with him first.
but what was i supposed to do?
i was shattered that he’d lied to me.

it was time shane and i talked.
so i called him and he arranged to come over.
it was literally a do or die moment.

- love flo.